Reflection
by Cherrie
Summary: Supposedley, Kurama+Botan, but looks a bit yaoish (i.e. Shuuichi Minamino+Youko Kurama) at the beginning chapters ^_^; A what-if story if ever Youko Kurama gets out of Shuuichi's body.
1. Chap 1 : Through the Eyes of a Mirror

Reflection 

Reflection 

Standard Disclaimers: Yu Yu Hakusho and all its characters are not mine. Mild flicks of sort of violent yaoi between Shuuichi Minamino and Youko Kurama ^-^; 

Chapter One: Through The Eyes of a Mirror (Kurama's Point of View) 

It can't be. 

I stared perplexed at the smooth surface of the tall mirror, it's glass hard and cold beneath my fingers. I could feel the chill run up my arm, letting me know this was not a dream. I ran my fingers through the frame, my eyes fixed at my own reflection. 

It just couldn't be. 

A pair of dark, golden eyes stared back at me, the body standing as still as a statue. If only not for the eyes that followed my every move, I'd say it was just an image left to petrify me. I wish. 

I willed my head to stop staring back, and lowered my gaze down at my hands, my clothes. My "reflection" didn't follow the movement though. It stood right there, still as ever, yet I can still feel it watching my every move. My hands, the color of my own skin, it was still me. It was me. Shuuichi Minamino. My clothing, it's still the long sleeved shirt I've always known to wear to work. I can see the strands of hair in my shoulders. Fiery red. It's still me. And even through my own sight, I know I still possess the green orbs that make up my eyes. 

But the reflection…it wasn't me. Not me, in a way I've accepted myself to be. He didn't look at me through green eyes, his were gold. He looked at me through a gaze that left me numb, a gaze that made me feel weak. His hair was silver through the moonlight, his clothes only that of a white robe that had been too familiar with me. His skin was pale, as if no blood ever goes in it. And unlike my astonished expression, he wore a calm smile. A smirk. 

I backed off. This can't be real. 

Then for a split second, he moved. He shifted to both feet, standing firmly there, in the mirror. He was in the mirror. I tried telling myself. He was just a reflection. But something bothered me more about that reassurance. He was MY reflection. 

And yet, it was as if he has his own will. He moved by his own accord. He smirks by himself. Unlike a normal reflection, he moved not according to how I moved. But I'm sure this was a mirror. It reflected everything in the room. Everything, but me. 

"Don't look so surprised" he said suddenly, causing me to step back once again. He spoke. Very much unlike a reflection. His smirk widened, staring at me, I felt his eyes delve into mine. Our gazes clashed, as if our eyes were glued to each other. Which felt somehow strange, I was looking into alien, yet familiar eyes. But there was nothing I could see inside him. His eyes were a total blank. "I remember before you'd look through the lakes in Makai and see me, but you don't seem surprised," he added, tilting his head in mockery of my expression. I was in shock. That's all I could say about myself. 

"What do you want?" Despite my state, I was able to speak. There was no doubt I'm talking to my other self, an alter ego I have lone forgotten. A split self whom I wanted to keep at the back of my very being. 

He looked away, his smirk leaving his face. I'm not completely sure whether to call him "me", since I'm here, standing in my place, and he's there, doing things beyond my own will. The very scene confused me. "I got tired" he replied, running a hand through his hair, the silver strands sliding smoothly through the ghostly white fingers. 

I watched him, the very same way he does me. I had to keep my guard up, but frankly speaking, this body wouldn't last against my youkai self for long if ever a threat was thrown. "Tired?" I asked. I didn't understand, it was as if he was talking in riddles. Not that he talked much, but even his eyes held questions and statements. Blank as they may be, it was as if there was a hidden message behind the cool darkness of his stares. 

He shot me a glance, a glare to be precise. "I got tired" he repeated, his jaws firm, as if hiding a sudden anger. "I got tired of living behind you" he said, his voice an octave higher now. He stepped forward through the floor of the reflection, his eyes never leaving mine. 

I gasped, or tried, only I choked at my own breath. He was getting too close to the surface of the mirror. It was as if he's planning to get out of it. But he couldn't do that…could he? 

He stopped after that step, standing still again. "I'm tired of having to hide," he said, pausing silently. "I'm tired of pretending to be dead," he stepped again, closer than ever to the mirror's exterior. "I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of being forgotten," He touched the surface of the mirror. I could see it ripple against his touch, then harden again, trapping him inside. I'm not sure whether relief ran pass me. He was still calm, looking at his other palm, closing it into a tight fist. His brows knotted as he shut his eyes. His ears twitched. 

I stared at him. An ear-crushing silence fell between us, it almost made my ears burst. I felt my heart beating violently in my chest, as if trying to get out of its confinement. I couldn't blame it. I wanted to get out of here. Far away, anywhere, just anywhere were I won't see any mirror. Especially this one. 

A mind-torturing minute came. A sudden gush of wind suddenly came between us. As if for some sort of miracle, his hair, his tail, his clothes, they moved with the wind. As if he was touched as well. He seem to be real. Too real. And the ears. I remember somewhere before, they never move, not unless there was something inside me that I hide. My frustrations would come out of my ears. My anger seem to rush from my body to them, causing movement. But what could be bothering him? He was tired. That was all he said. I couldn't understand. 

And then, my question was answered. He took a deep breath, his thick eyebrows still together. "And lastly…greatly…" he started, his voice low. "I am tired of you!" his voice raised, his first calm gaze blazing like fire now. 

Before I could move in defense for myself, he leapt through the mirror, as quickly as I remember myself, in that form, could. It broke, sending hundreds of shattered pieces on me, burying their sharp wedges in my skin. I winced before I felt ice-cold hands grasp my neck, holding it in a tight coil. I found it difficult to breath as I felt his nails pierce through my neck, my blood dripping on my shoulder. 

He pushed me back as I chocked under his touch. I felt the cold wall of my room behind my back, pressing me into it so hard it hurt. "Shuuichi Minamino" he muttered my human name with such a great hatred, I could see him grit his teeth through the name through my shut eyes. He lifted me up the wall, making it harder for me to gain any sort of leverage to get away from his hold. He was only holding me by the neck, his grasp ever so tight. 

"Let go" I tried to yell it out, but my voice turned out raspy, like a whisper. A desperate whisper. I was running out of breath. I tried kicking, but it didn't help. He had me pinned. My hands held in his other free one. My body held down by his arm. His knees pinning my own. He was too strong for me, or to say it another way, my youko form is stronger than my human one. 

"I hate you, Shuuichi" he said, squeezing my neck for three seconds, only to throw me on one corner of the room, causing me to yelp in pain. I shut my eyes through the pains in my back where it hit the wall. My body felt so numb and weak from the torture of his hold, I doubt I could even move a finger. I never thought I'd fear somebody this much. Not to mention that I'm fearing my own self. As strange as it may sound, it was the truth. For months, his presence had taunted me. But it was only until now did he actually proved he still existed. 

"I am sick and tired of everything that had gone between us. The usual tug of war" he said, half kneeling in front of me, watching me struggle with my own body to get the pain away. "You keep saying to the others that you still have me, and that I've changed. That you have changed me." 

"I'm not as stupid as to tell them the truth" I said, struggling for words, but finally getting to spill them out. Yusuke and the others will just be worried about me if I tell them my secret. That Youko Kurama still exists. I hate him as much as he hates me. But still, he was me. I've known long before that I can't get rid of him. All I could do was make up for his mistakes. Although, the things I think are mistakes on him are what he was actually proud of. 

He smirked again, despite his obvious rage. "You're afraid" he said, his voice taunting me to reply. To deny the fact. I wanted to. I really did. But the mind-blowing fact is…he spoke the truth. I was afraid. I was afraid to lose my friends. I was afraid to make them worry. I was afraid to hurt them, especially when the one that could hurt them the most is my own self. 

He must've seen my eyes, much as I tried to hide them. I knew they'd give me away. "Guess what, Shuuichi. You can't hide me forever. You can't tolerate my being forever. You are not the only Kurama." 

He leaned forward, grasping a bundle of my crimson hair in his hands, making me wince. My body was aching, my head was spinning. I was in pain. And in confusion. And to add to that, he hit me with the back of his hand, hard on the cheek. I felt myself cough out blood, the dark hue splattered on the wall. I shut my eyes from the sight. And from the pain. 

Through my closed eyes, I could feel him breath, as quickly as I was. We're both trying to catch our breaths. It was as if he was just as tired. I opened my eyes, carefully tilting my head to look at him. I was surprised to see his lips bleeding, his eyes reflecting anger and pain. Come to think of it, his cheeks are just as sore as mine. And he had a wound on his back shoulder, just like mine when I hit the wall. His neck was bleeding, little cuts mark the sides, blood trickling down his shoulder and chest. He was at the same state as I am. It was as if I was still staring at my own reflection. Without a mirror. 

He caught me looking, and hit me again before letting me go. I fell down on the floor, curled up from the pain that coursed through my body. I watched him as he wiped the blood that appeared from his lips with his forefinger, staring at it for a moment. He sat down beside my lying body, cupping my cheeks in his hand, wiping the same position of blood from my lips with his thumb. I watched him through half closed lids, biting my lower lip for letting him touch me again. 

He held the two fingers up, my blood and his. "You know why this happens?" he asked, his gazing playing around the dripping blood. "It's because we're one, I feel your pain, you feel mine" he said. As if to emphasize what he said, he brought his two fingers together, mixing up our blood. "I want to be left alone, Shuuichi. I want to take myself away from you," he said, lowering down his fingers, brushing his blood-coated thumb on my lips, spreading our blood on them. I would've spitted them out if not for my state. 

He leaned down, his eyes demanding me to be still. "And that's what I'm going to do," he leaned closer until I could feel his breath on my face. 

I felt my breathing quicken, my pulse running through my veins like a flowing flood. I was still as he leaned closer. He stopped midway, causing a great anxiety course through me, making me believe time itself had stopped. Nothing moved between us, except for the occasional gushes of wind that touched my wounds, making me wince. He smiled whenever I do. 

He pulled me closer until I felt his lips touch mine. My eyes widened as my heart skipped a beat. I felt myself weaken, much as I tried to struggle. No, this can't happen. 

He watched me through half closed lids as I tried to struggle free from his hold. He watched as I went still and looked at him weakly through my closing eyes. I felt myself grow weary, and by the time my eyes closed, I felt him smile through the kiss. I was able to open my eyes slightly, only to see his eyes closed, his brows knitted in his forehead. I shut my eyes as he kissed me, unable to do anything, feeling his now dry forefinger slide teasingly down my neck. He groaned, as he deepened the kiss, pulling me to him as he sighed harshly through my ears. 

I felt my hearts calming almost instantly, my breathing weakened. This wasn't an ordinary kiss. I knew what he was trying to do. And as sure as I was, I felt weak, my hands and feet numb. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I can't feel my own heart anymore. It was as if my very soul and energy are being sucked out of me. 

And that was what he was just doing. 

That was the last thing I've thought about. I felt myself falling. And then…everything went dark. 

End of Chapter 1 

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	2. Chap 2 : Heaven's Apparition

Reflection  
  
Standard Disclaimers: Yu Yu Hakusho and all its characters are not mine. This is just my small, literary attempt on writing a fanfic ^-^  
  
Chapter Two: Heaven's Apparition (Botan's POV)  
  
His breathing was so slow, and deathly shallow. He made it seem as if he wasn't breathing at all. Or if he ever needed air.   
  
Silence filled the empty room. The place was just an insult to my feelings. I felt so low and desperate, and here it was, dull and just as low. What, is it trying to shove the sadness into my face? I had to roll my eyes at that. I'm being too melodramatic. But I can't help it.  
  
I sighed as I looked at him. He was so pale, a light hue of ghostly white covered him, his skin was almost blending with the hospital gown he wore. The usual warm tan of his body was gone. His bright hair was disheveled as his head lay in the pillow, single strands stuck to his sweat stricken features. I moved closer to brush them away, clearing his face from any burden. My eyes softened as I touched his smooth cheeks with my thumb before letting my fingers shift down his neck, lightly touching the clear marks of his wounds.   
  
It was I who had found him first in the dark room of his home in my usual rounds in Ningenkai, around early midnight. It was a dark mist of irony that I was in a happy mood, only to have it replaced suddenly as I saw him lying half dead on his own home. Everything was still in place, and that cleared any thought that he was violently attacked. Everything, but him and a broken mirror that still stood erect in the middle of the room. It took me a few seconds to take everything in. As my brain worked itself again, I jumped off my oar and ran to him, turning him around to see if he was all right. He was still breathing. Relief ran through me as I let out the breath I had unconsciously held in anticipation.   
  
He was hurt badly, little specks of glass cut through his limbs and body as he laid on one corner. Besides the glass cuts, there were also other gashes in him that I doubt came from the broken mirror. He had bloody handprints on his wrists and neck. He was bleeding on the shoulder and temple, and little drops of blood went sliding down from little cuts from the side of his neck. I panicked. He may be breathing, but it might not take him long if I don't move. And that made me so nervous and confused. I didn't know what to do. I felt like crying.   
  
It was lucky that it was near midnight, not much people could see me hover lowly to get Kurama to a nearby hospital. Stopping in a dark, deserted alley, I kept my oar and carried him to the emergency room. They treated him there, asked a few questions which I found hard doing alibis for. It was only until dawn did they bring him to a room.  
  
I've called Yusuke a few minutes after sunrise and I'm just waiting for him now. I'm sure he'll bring Shiori-san with him, since Kurama, or Shuuichi, is her son and she has all the right to know what happened to him. It's just a shame that she had to end her vacation too quickly. After all, it was Kurama who had given her the chance to go somewhere with her new husband, Hatanaka-san. Always the thoughtful son.  
  
I sighed and just regained my position beside the bed, resting my head on my arm. After a few seconds of staring, I felt my eyes grow wet. I was crying. And with only the painful, sinking feeling in my chest, I cried myself to sleep.  
==  
  
I was roused by the gradually loudening knocks on the door. I rubbed my eyes to clear out any more sleep, or tears, out of me as I stood up. Only one person crossed my mind. Yusuke. And thank goodness as well.   
  
I opened the door, and sure enough, Yusuke was there. He also had Keiko with him. Both looked extremely worried. I let them both in, a smile that I seem to have forgotten since last night came back to me.   
"Kuwabara would be here later" Yusuke said as they entered.   
  
After a quick hug, Keiko looked at the man in the hospital bed. Her eyes quickly welled up in tears. "What happened to him?" she asked as she turned to me, her hands clasped up to her chest.  
My smile faded as I took a glance at Kurama as well. I shook my head. "I don't know" I replied, my eyes low. I looked up to see Yusuke walk up to the side of the bed, examining Kurama's state.   
"Was he attacked?" he asked as he stared at the minor wounds and a few bandages.   
I sighed. "I don't know. By the time I arrived, he's already unconscious. No one was in the room," I said. I watched Keiko hold Kurama's limp hand. She looked afraid. Who wouldn't be? Remembering Kurama's strength, not just anybody could've done this. He's not so weak as to have let anybody just do this to him.   
  
The day had passed really slowly. Kuwabara, Yukina and Shizuru came an hour later after Yusuke and Keiko. Kuwabara had broken down by the sight of Kurama (baka Kuwabara-kun, I almost cried again myself just looking at him), and had said things I doubt he himself understood, throwing insults at Kurama ("I thought you were the feared Kurama of the Makai!? You're just another one of those weaklings who can't fight for himself!") and then breaking down again later on saying…other things ("Kurama, you're our friend. You can't leave us. We love you so much, and what would happen to your fan club that hadn't given up after all these years!? You can't disappoint them! Be strong!!!"). That made a lot of eyebrows rise.  
  
Yukina was just silent, sympathy clear in her eyes as she watched Kuwabara. Shizuru was neither amused nor as sympathetic. She just came forward and dragged Kuwabara off by the collar, saying that he might just worsen Kurama's condition. Yusuke and Keiko had left soon after because they needed to attend to the shop they've been running. Shizuru left with them as well, warning me about her brother, which I nodded with a sweatdrop.   
  
The three of us left have been pretty silent, except for Kuwabara's usual sobs. He was sitting on the couch in one corner, while Yukina and I sat side by side on a chair beside Kurama's bed.   
  
Two hours later, Yukina had to drag Kuwabara out of the hospital because he had to go to class (and because the doctors and other patients have been annoyed with the wailings).   
  
I was just about clearing my headache when Koenma-sama came. He wore human clothes, with the headband to cover up the mark on his forehead. He was pretty surprised at Kurama's state, just as everybody was, but he took it rather quietly, much to my gratitude. Maybe he noticed that I was tired. He just stood there, which I wasn't exactly sure what for. But I had to thank him for keeping me company.   
  
Shiori and Hatanaka, together with Kurama's younger stepbrother, Shuuichi, came a few minutes after Koenma-sama. Surely enough, Shiori broke down crying, asking hundreds of questions. At first I was afraid to answer them, scared that she might accuse me. But Kurama's stories about how kind his mother was were really true. Shiori just looked at me through her tears, taking all of my answers in sincerely, tightly holding her son's hand in hers. Hatanaka held her by the shoulders as she cried.   
  
Shuuichi was on my side of the bed, looking at his older stepbrother. He was just as gloomy as the rest of us. I knew he and Kurama had a quick bond after their parents married, and that they've been treating each other like real siblings at a very short time. Which was maybe the reason why Shuuichi looked so lonely.   
  
It was late evening when Hatanaka said that they had to go. He and Shiori had argued about it, Shiori not wanting to leave. She calmed down soon after I've assured her that I can be left to care for Shuuichi (or Kurama). She left with a heavy heart, followed by Hatanaka. Shuuichi bid Kurama a, "Take care of yourself, oniisan" and sent me a grateful smile before going out of the room. There may not be any blood connection between him and Kurama, but he's just as sweet as his older brother was. And I had to smile at that.  
  
Koenma-sama was silent the whole time as he watched Shuuichi leave. He sighed and looked at me after the door closed. "I trust you'd be okay. Or would you like me to send someone to keep you company?" he asked. I merely shook my head as he nodded. He stood up and left for the door.   
  
I sighed as I sat by the bed again. The guys have been nice to pay a visit, at least I'm not so bored watching doctors and nurses coming in and out of the room.   
  
Suddenly, as I stared at Kurama's placid face, watching his chest rise and fall as he breathes, I felt like crying again. I haven't seen my friends for months over the past year and I have missed them. But seeing Kurama like this…it made me miss him more. He was right here in front of me, and yet I can't talk to him or joke around with him. Although physically close, I feel so distant.   
  
He had always been smiling. And I miss that. Right now he just lies there looking like as if he was dead. That's one reason why I want to stay. I want to know if he's still alive. I don't think I could allow him to die. And I won't allow any other ferry girl to go here to fetch him as well.   
  
With every heart breaking thought, I felt my eyes turn watery bit by painful bit. Through all the years I've watched him fight, this was the only time he had a hard time recovering from. He never even lost consciousness for more than a day. But I convinced myself that he'd go through this one easily. Just like the other times.  
  
I wiped my tears and walked to the window, watching lights being turned off from homes around the hospital. Then a thought struck me. I knew I missed somebody. Everybody had come except him. I cleared my eyes, opening the glass window as I stuck out my head. My eyes scanned the whole street, the tress, the roofs. Why hadn't he come? Did he know?   
  
Oh just great. Kurama's here lying in a coma and he's out there jumping on roofs. What kind of best friend was he? Nah, I was kidding about the best friend thing, I just hope Yusuke had told him already. But where was he?  
  
  
End of Chapter 2 


	3. Chap 3 : Clouds of Mist

Reflection  
  
Standard Disclaimers: Yu Yu Hakusho and all its characters are not mine. This is just my small, literary attempt on writing a fanfic ^-^  
  
Chapter Three: Clouds of Mist (Third Person POV)  
  
If this is another one of those senseless junk that moron asks me to do, I'm going to kill him, he thought as impatience coursed through his veins, reflected by each heavy stride he took. His eyes had been glowering for the past few minutes on his way, causing fear into the eyes of the pedestrians he had passed by. But he had no choice but to mingle with them. It would cause him too much of a havoc to jump into trees to where he was supposed to go due to the huge number of people around. And with that reason said, his patience had to be gambled. If ever there was any.   
  
Yusuke had come to him just a short moment ago, asking him to go to the hospital, giving him only the room number. He wasn't able to ask why, for the youth had left trying to comfort a very depressed-looking wife. Which left him wincing in an irate state. He thought of Yukina first, of course. But Yusuke had assured him it wasn't her. Which proved the situation useless and beyond his interest. If only Yusuke hadn't added the, "it's important" part of his almost whispered speech, he wouldn't have come at all.   
  
He reached his destination, but found it another burden to get in without being asked questions and other things he had no time to mind. By the time he was shown the room, and by the time he felt he urge to hit the male nurse, he stalked away, leaving the nurse a glare that would certainly remind the male of him.   
  
He didn't bother to knock when he opened the door. He expected something that would surprise him, and leave him in certain irritation later on.   
  
"What the---?"  
  
He got his surprise all right. Not irritated though. He tried to clear his view as the vision of a very familiar body lay stiffly against the darkness of the room, the silence almost making things a lot more vague.   
  
"Nice of you to visit, Hiei"  
  
He glanced behind him, seeing a familiar frame closing the door he just went through. It was only when the girl stared at him curiously did he notice that he had his mouth opened slightly through the shock. He closed it immediately, only to open again in an attempt to ask a question. "What happened?" he wanted to hit himself at the tremble he heard in that voice. But it couldn't be helped, the sight of Kurama's form so weak and vulnerable had been something that could go beyond the impossible. Although, the very moment had proved him wrong, it was way less than impossible now, it had just been made into possibility. No, lesser, it had happened.   
  
The girl, Botan, let out a downhearted sigh and shook her head. "I don't know" she answered uneasily, obvious marks of tears had stained her cheeks, her eyes red and tired. Hiei felt a faint surge of pity for her, must've been the atmosphere and place. She must've been the one who had looked after Kurama. "By the time I saw him, he was like that already," she glanced up to see Hiei stand at the edge of the bed, looking at Kurama's lifeless body. Thinking of Yusuke, she felt a sudden rush of déjà vu at that moment. It depressed her to think that they were all shocked the very same way she had been, all of them asking the same questions, with her only answering them weakly with a shake of a head. She wanted so badly to know what happened.  
  
Hiei took a deep breath and faced Botan. "I'll be going now"  
  
Botan looked aghast. "So soon?" she couldn't believe Hiei would be that cold. He'd live as quickly as he came. Why wouldn't he even stay for even a minute?  
  
Hiei frowned. "Look, nothing will happen if I stay, would there?" he asked. Looking through the frown the girl wore as well, he sighed and shook his head, taking a step to leave. By the time he was beside her, he said, "I'll try to know who did this." He hoped that sounded as an assurance.  
  
==  
  
He found himself standing in a blinding white surrounding. The air was bitter cold as he felt the chill run up his whole body, almost freezing him in place. He found it hard to move, as if metal chains were holding down his whole body.   
  
"Isn't this nice?"  
  
His eyes widened, finding his head turn abruptly at the sound of the voice.   
  
No.  
  
The man smirked at him, a sparkle glinted from his golden eyes. He walked closer to him, his steps maddeningly slow and small, making him anticipate and think of all the pain that would befall him by the time he arrives. "Waking up so soon?" he was in front of him then, lifting a hand to cup his chin, lifting his face up. "I don't think so…"  
  
He glared at him through his still frame as the youkai lifted his hand from his chin to lightly run his thumb through his lower lip. Through his glare, the man smiled at him in a tinge of sarcasm that made him want to kill him, his eyes wicked as it bore through his own. He tried to bite at the finger, but he had taken it away before his teeth could bury into them.   
  
The man winced at the action and grabbed his head with both hands and pressed his lips through the younger one's own, the kiss bruising and painful. He felt weak and unable to move again, worse than his state a moment ago. The faint feel of his energy being sucked out of him came back again as he trembled under the other man's touch. He felt his eyes grow heavy, leaving him to only feel the pain of disgust at the youkai's lips against his own, filling him with hatred that went far beyond his own will. A hatred that surged through his veins, feeling his blood heat, ready to burst.  
  
With a last glare, he felt himself falling once again, his consciousness slipping away.   
  
==  
  
He was walking very lightly, hardly feeling the hard concrete beneath his feet. The streets have been cleared of all the nuisance he had that day, but he hardly noticed. Supposedly, he was going back to Makai after he left the hospital, but it seems as though something was holding him back. The shock of seeing him had caused a shudder to run through his spine. He wasn't as weak to have let just anybody defeat him. He was stronger than that. Hard to admit, but the guy would be stronger than him if only he wouldn't be so nice about fighting.   
  
Just as he jumped to leave for Makai, something wrapped around his ankles, pulling him down. Something painful to be precise, it almost felt like it had spikes or thorns in it. He let out a growl as he fell stumbling down the concrete ground. By the time he regained himself, he quickly stood up and looked around. A presence could be felt from his place as he stood still, his eyes darting around for any sign of movement.   
  
Through the mist that hovered across the visible radiance of the street lamps, a shadow cast itself upon his lithe frame, causing him to stir back. He stood his guard as the shadow came closer, the vision of the owner passing through the glow of the lamp's light, making him visible to him. He smirked when he saw him. "Hiei"  
  
Hiei's eyes widened at the sight of him. "Kurama…what are you doing here?" he asked, a look of disbelief on his face. "Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?" Just a moment ago he saw Kurama lying like a corpse in a hospital bed, and now he's…just as pale, but very much alive. Only, he wasn't in his human form.  
  
Youko Kurama let out a hoarse laugh. He shook his head and lifted his hand behind the back of his neck. Hiei watched as Kurama pulled out red rose, twirling it between his fingers. He stared at it with a glum smile on his lips, seeming as though smelling the fragrance, before shooting his gaze at Hiei. Hiei returned the gaze in bewilderment as Kurama slowly put down his hand holding the rose, positioning himself on a pose he knew so well. Why? What for? That pose was only when Kurama would bring out his…   
  
"Rosewhip!"  
  
Hiei jumped back reflexively as the tip of Kurama's whip snapped at his foot. He cursed before stumbling back, glaring at the youkai as he gained his balance. "Shit, Kurama, what the hell do you think you're doing?!"   
  
Kurama didn't reply, only running forward to lunge at Hiei again with his whip. Hiei stood in defense of the battle as he dodged the whip's attacks and Kurama's usual hits. Through the confusion, he was amazed he could still move away from the attacks. Youko Kurama moved as fast as he was. Either that or he was too much used to Shuuichi's lesser speed. But nonetheless, he wondered what got into Kurama's head to do this.   
  
He looked back to see if Kurama was behind him. A short gasp escaped him as he saw nobody. It was nothing more than a split second once he felt the faint chill of fingers through his back, feeling the hand grasped the back of his coat as his nails cut wounds into his nape. He held his breath as he was lifted from the ground he stood upon and thrown onto the hard wall at the side of the street. Everything had happened in just a manner of a second, he hardly knew what came next to the other. He yelped as he hit the wall, feeling the saltiness of his own blood cloth his lips, forcing him to spit it out.   
  
"Damn it, Kurama, you've gone mad!" he called out as he tried to duck yet from another attack.. Kurama didn't speak, only letting his weapon show his response. Staring through his eyes, behind that glint, Hiei only saw space. Nothingness. Beyond that grin, all that was visible is a blank limbo, as plain as a golden orb. He had no emotions at that moment. No feelings. No guilt. Just the lust for battle. The lust for blood. The eyes that bear the persona of a murderer.   
  
He wasn't sure whether or not he should fight back. He barely recognized the one he had mostly grown accustomed to. He knew he should somehow fight back to defend himself, but his body wouldn't abide to his will. His hand couldn't move to his sword, something was pulling him away. He was too shocked, too much into the spell of his, supposedly, best friend's gaze as he slashed him thorn by thorn.   
  
The haze of his uncertainty had left him off-guard, giving his opponent an opening. The next thing he knew, he was wrapped inside the tight and pointed coils of Kurama's whip. He tried getting his hands out, but he realized that both his arms were held down by the whip, each wrapped in a grip that knotted itself through that on his body, pinning his hands at his sides. It was too late for him to notice he had been trapped. Any sort of struggle would leave him wounded in the danger of the barbs of the whip. All he could do was look at Kurama's eyes, drown into the glint of his smile as he pulled the whip closer to him, tightening the bind around Hiei. Hiei winced, feeling the blood from his mouth trickle down the ground. He knew what would be coming next, a painful death in the hands of his own friend in a mystifying puzzle.   
  
Then a thought struck him. He had gone mad to even forget. If he'd use his own strength, he might stand a chance. Much as he didn't want to hurt Kurama, he had no choice. He clutched his right hand into a tight fist, feeling the roughness of his bandage as it was held under his grip.   
  
Forgive me, Kurama. "Jaou ensatsu---"  
  
He was cut short. As if from a miracle, the grip of the whip around him loosened, unwrapping themselves off of him. It had left a few wounds, but at least he wasn't caught in it anymore. Instinctively, he grabbed his sword and cut the whip before it could do any more harm.   
  
Which he found useless as he glanced up to see Kurama tremble in his place, a quivering hand lifted to touch his temples, only to abruptly fall to clutch his stomach, as if in pain. His face twisted, biting his lip in an obvious agony as he fell on his knees, both arms holding himself, the whip discarded at the side. Before he could fall down, Hiei leapt to catch him.   
  
What in the friggin' hell…? That was the last thought Hiei had as he pulled Kurama to face him. The feel of his skin was cold, as if he was dead. His skin was paler than usual, almost as light as his own clothes. Sweat covered his face, his brows knitted in absent pain as his hands fell limply on his sides.   
  
If Hiei was confused a while ago, that was nothing compared to what he felt now. He pulled Kurama's body to his back, trying his best to support the youko's greater weight in his own.   
  
Somebody better explain things to me or I'll blow my own head off.  
  
End of chapter 3 


	4. Chap 4 : Own Existence

Reflection  
  
Standard Disclaimers: Yu Yu Hakusho and all its characters are not mine. PG-13 for Hiei's language ^_^;  
  
Chapter Four: Own Existence (Third Person POV)  
  
She jumped.   
  
Through the mist of her own stupor, she had thought she heard a gasp. She awoke from her spot, rubbing her tired eyes through the darkness of the room. She would've believed the gasp to come from her own imagination if not only for the shallow coughs that emitted from the location of the bed.   
  
Her eyes widened. Could it?  
  
She glanced up, sheer joy coursing through her as she found him slouching on the bed in an unbalanced attempt to sit up. He sat up leaning on one arm, his other hand rolled into a fist as he seems to choke on his own breathing, his hair sprawled on his back and shoulders.   
  
She quickly stood up and ran to his side, helping him. She rubbed his back as he tried to catch his breath, his breathing shallow and raspy. He paused for a brief moment, his body still. In a split second, almost missing his move, Botan found herself being pulled. The next thing she knew, she was lying uncomfortably on the bed, her wrist held in his free hand, his lower half pinning her to where she lay. She felt blades pain surge through her back at her position, twisting her body in an attempt to struggle away. But it was in vain as he held her down with his other arm, her back to him as he twisted her wrists together. She groaned through the dilemma as she tried to shift beneath him, struggling weakly through the shock.   
  
His eyes widened through the darkness. "B-Botan?!"  
  
She shut her eyes in pain. "Would you mind?"  
  
He took a sharp intake of breath before realizing what she meant. Quickly, he jumped off of her, helping her to sit up as she rubbed her wrists on where he had held her. "I-I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else," he said, watching her fix herself before glaring at him. His eyes were a silent plea under her gaze. "I'm really sorry."  
  
Her expression softened, her lips curling up into a smile. "It's okay, Kurama, I'm all right now," she said, letting go of her wrist, her hands rested on the bed as she sat across him. "How are you feeling?"  
  
A rapid confused expression spread through him as he looked around. The room was fairly dim, but there was enough light to let him see where he was. It was only until then did he realize he was not in his own home anymore. His gaze fell uneasily on her again, his eyes questioning. "Where are we?" he asked, his eyes making her feel a sense of vulnerability. Surely, she hasn't seen him like this before. So weak.   
  
"Hospital," she answered. Her gaze fell on his wounds for a second before getting back to rest on his eyes, "Do you remember what happened?"  
  
Kurama thought for a moment, dropping his gaze to the bandages wrapped on his hands. His stiffened, eyes wide. How could he forget? The mirror. The dreams. The times he feared and despised every second he had with him. All the pain. The hatred.   
  
Of course he remembered.  
  
But he couldn't tell her. Not yet. "No, I don't remember anything," he lied, shaking his head.   
  
She must've seen his face for she asked, "Is something bothering you?"  
  
Kurama made a mental note to try and conceal his feelings from her. It seems she'll be staying with him until morning. Might as well try and avoid the subject. "I'm fine, Botan, just a bit in pain from all these wounds, I suppose," he said, giving her an assuring smile, trying just as much to assure himself to forget about everything for now.   
  
Botan let out a worried smile as she looked at him. "Are you sure? Do you want me to call a doctor?" she asked, her hands creeping up to touch his forehead to see if he was all right, later sliding down to rest on his cheeks.   
  
He cherished the feel of warmth against his cold skin, against the chill of the room's very own temperature. To feel another one's touch had almost been long forgotten to him. Somehow, she made the feeling of disgust away from him, the feeling of his own self's touch. All that was left was the sweetness of her, the tender contact that caused him to let out a smile. He nodded. "I'm fine, no need for a doctor."  
  
She nodded, her smile brightening. "Are you feeling tired? Would like to sleep again?"  
  
She never ceased to amaze him with her sweetness. Ever since he could remember knowing her, she had always put others before herself. A selfless soul that had always achieved success in making other people feel better about themselves. A good friend. And for a strange reason, he wasn't thinking much about what had happened to him. He had forgotten about the hate he kept inside. And even if he did remember, he'd quickly put it aside, his mind not thinking about it much at all. And her presence had somehow contributed to that. She will always be a pleasant company to him. "No, not really"  
  
"It's kind of late" she said, gesturing at the clock. Kurama followed her. It was pretty late, but neither hardly cared.   
  
"If you're tired, it's all right if you---"  
  
"No, I'm fine. I just wonder if you---" there she goes with her selfless words again.  
  
"I'm fine, Botan, really."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Sure?"  
  
He laughed. He was amazed he could still laugh after all that has happened. But seeing through where he was, who he was with, it wasn't a complete mystery. The pleasure of having another person's company had helped block out the wound of the confusion that still scourged his heart and mind. For a minute, he felt as if there was no burden in his life. For that, he was thankful. "Let's just talk, okay?"  
  
Her eyes softened again, a gaze that made him feel warm and cared for. And that still kept him smiling. She sighed. "All right, what do you want to talk about?"  
  
==  
  
"Fuck the life I lead," he muttered through gritted teeth as he half carried-half dragged the body on his back, feeling his knees giving in. "If only I didn't walk through that shit and had gone straight to Makai, this wouldn't have happened to me."  
  
He gave in to his body's plea and sat down on the pavement, resting Youko Kurama's body beside him as he tried to catch his breath. He couldn't imagine what happened. From Kurama's state in the hospital to this insane form of his, Hiei wondered how he could've possibly gone out, with Botan taking care of him.   
  
He glanced through Kurama's unconscious form, his shoulders and head dropped limply down his chest. He was still wondering what had gone through the guys' head to just attack him like that. The way he remembered it, Kurama was not the kind who'd attack senselessly and without reason. Actually, that was more HIS style. Him. Hiei. Not so good little, stubborn Hiei who only listens to Kurama and Mukuro, well, frequently that is.  
  
Hiei shook his head, sprawling his arms lightly on his raised knee. He was so confused, thinking and analyzing is not really a problem to him, but he dislikes the situation nonetheless. It was as if he was with a wholly different person. A person with a different mind. Either that or the same person he knew who accidentally hit his head on a friggin' wall and lost his sanity. Which would be rather stupid if he thinks about it.   
  
"Hell," he cursed as he stood up again, carrying Kurama's body on his back. He was meaning to return him to the hospital, for the man was still wounded even before he attacked him. He'd return him to Botan and tell her to be a little bit more careful. No, a lot more careful.   
  
He stopped in his tracks. If Botan really was taking care of him, one way or another, he should've met her already. She should be searching on her oar. She should be flying around the neighborhood to look for him.   
  
And yet there was nothing but the silence of the empty streets that enveloped his surroundings. Complete silence. No Botan. No one shouting Kurama's name. And with that revelation, he knew something was wrong. His pace was faster now as he headed to the hospital. His mind was spinning, but he tried not to mind it for now as he hoped he knew what was going on.  
  
==  
  
They were laughing and he had never felt so light in his life. Every little word that came from her sounded like little singing bells in his ears. He had missed the company of another. Over the past few days he had only talked with himself, with it answering back that still sends chills down his back. But keeping Botan as company decreases the fear, and he could feel somewhat relaxed around her. He liked listening to her, never had he known she had so many stories to tell. And he was actually the first one to hear them. And at some points, he had told her things that he hadn't even thought of telling anyone else. He supposed it was her cheerfulness and naiveté that made him open up without a second thought.   
  
As for Botan, she was glad Kurama's back. She was happy to see him laughing again, to see one of her best friends living life like he hadn't had any sickness at all. Everything seemed so perfect then.   
  
All was well, or so they thought. For a moment, his sight grew blurry, and his world started spinning. The smile he wore turned into a wince as he held up his hand to rest his head. He tried to act like he didn't mind as not to worry Botan more, but the pain just pushed itself in him, waiting for him to react. It felt like fire, as if something had been cut through his skull. He let out a heavy groan, losing his balance and feeling himself falling. He expected to fall off, but he realized he was still sitting up. He managed to open his eyes and look up.   
  
Botan had stood up by his side by the time his smile faded, catching him in her arms before he fell. Another worried expression spread through her as she tried to calm him down. Too much for not making her worry.   
  
He pulled his knees closer to him, curling up in pain, in attempt to make the throbbing to cease. "Botan, I…"   
  
"Ssh," she tried hushing him as she helped him up, feeling his hands tighten around hers as he groaned again. Her eyes never left him as she tried comforting him, her arms tightening around him as his eyes drifted shut.   
  
He shivered beneath her touch as he drew himself closer to her, taking in as much warmth as he could as pools of ice seemed to replace his blood as they continued their route through his veins. The world was spinning fast in his gaze, he found it hard to open his eyes. He couldn't think, all he felt was the sinking feeling of an omen come to him, flashes of black and white alternating in his sight. He was scared. With a last look at her as he whispered her name on his rapidly paling lips, he closed his eyes.  
  
There was a light knocking on the glass window and a horrified "shit" before Botan heard it slide open. Her eyes flew to where the window was to see Hiei with…  
  
"Kurama?!" she blurted out as Hiei came down to lay Youko Kurama's body down the couch. Her eyes grew wide, shifting petrified gazes at Shuuichi and Youko Kurama. It was only then had she realized that the one she held in her arms had fainted, causing a surge of anxiety run through her. She felt her body tremble as she shifted her gaze at Hiei, thousand of questions in her now tear-stricken eyes.   
  
Hiei was just as dumbfounded. He was confused, shocked and worried all at the same time. The very thought of having to ask all his questions had driven him mad. For a thousandth time had he heard the very same question on his head, 'What's going on?!'  
  
Everything had gone silent until both heard a moan emit from the couch.  
  
A pale hand moved up to his head, a dark sparkle from his eyes. By the time the two saw the glitter of gold in the youko's eyes, they knew something was wrong. Terribly wrong. Especially Hiei. In an attempt to protect Shuuichi and Botan from the trouble he knew would come, he ran to the youkai to hold him back. But a huge blow of the Youko's fist hit him as he was sent flying to the opposite wall, blood trickling down his lower lip. He suddenly felt like as if a hundred sharp needles had been pierced through his neck, making it feel numb.  
  
"Don't worry, it's not poison, just something to put you to sleep" Youko Kurama said without feeling as he smirked at Hiei.   
  
His eyes grew wide and quickly flew on his neck. His breathing seemed to stop as he realized a long thorn stood erect as it pierced through his skin, drops of his own blood dripping from the visible stem. His hand quickly rushed to it, holding it firmly in his palms and pulling in haste, throwing away the thorn to a corner. He held his wound, catching his breath as he felt his heartbeat slowing down, his eyes growing heavy. He threw a worried look at Botan as she watched him slide down in horror. He shot one more glare at the youkai before he felt himself giving in to the poison. Before another second ticked away, he's down.  
  
A tear rolled down Botan's cheeks as Hiei fell unconscious, Youko Kurama's back to her. She felt her heart thumping in her chest, her hands growing clammy as the youkai slowly turned around, the silent twinkle of his golden gaze reflecting a spark of malice as he eyed her. He took a deep breath, giving her a mocking smile as he licked his lips, "Botan, right?"  
  
End of chapter 4 


	5. Chap 5 : Treason

Reflection  
  
Chapter Five: Treason (Third Person POV)  
  
"Botan, right?"  
  
The mere wintry timbre of his voice caused her to stiffen, with only the movement of her hands tightening on the ones she held evident. She couldn't speak. A huge lump had formed in her throat through the mist of shock and bewilderment, their dueling gazes increasing her heartbeat at a maddening rate. With each defying step he took, she felt a tremor spread up her arms and body that made her want to get away. But she couldn't move, nor could she leave Shuuichi here. She was on her own, trapped under atrocious depths his golden gaze.   
  
His eyes gave out a glint as he threaded closer, displaying a hint of malevolence with every move, contrasting Shuuichi's meek ones. He had stopped a feet away from her, staring into her eyes that tried to hide the fear behind her placid looks. He felt her hold her breath as he leaned closer, engulfing her lithe hands within his own. They felt ice cold as he eased them away from Shuuichi's, finding hers resisting his hold by the time she regained her thoughts. But his strength was unremarkably stronger, and had her pulled up to him the minute she let go.   
  
She tried to get away but he held her to tightly that she could barely move. Through the haze of her struggle, he still found the strength to glide a hand around her waist, holding her deadly closer, a gasp emanating from her paling lips. Finally, she found her voice as she spoke, "Wh…What are you doing?"  
  
A grin spread through his thin lips as he placed a kiss on her hand, caressing her fingers with his thumb. His eyes never left hers, leaning closer until their heads were side by side. He was much taller than she was, but still held a firm hold onto her, his hand resting hers on his chest to creep down her arms, joining his other one behind the small of her back.   
  
She shut her eyes as he placed a kiss on her temples. She couldn't believe this. This was still Kurama, although it made her feel like it was someone else. By the time she saw the flicker of malice in his eyes, she knew this was not the youkai she had grown accustomed to. Never could she imagine for him to do what he was right at the moment. But she couldn't get away, who knows what he'll do to her if she even dared to try. She could only wish for a miracle to happen for her to get away.   
  
"Have you ever felt his eyes on you before?" he asked, a whisper as it went out of his smirking lips. He pulled away enough to look into her eyes, magnetizing hers after all the uncertainty she concealed. She held an impassive expression as she stared back. As a reply, she shook her head uneasily, making him smirk more. "I have," he continued as his hand crept up to find hers again, twining their fingers in a firm hold. Her hands felt cold and damp, a slight tremor on her fingers as he grasped them in his own. "Several times. Much more than what you may consider normal," the whole time he had rested his cheek on her hair, his fingers driving her insane as they played with hers. He laughed. "Do you know what I'm getting at?"  
  
She shook her head. Much as she did know where he wanted to go to, no, she didn't want to think about it. She declines the thought of Kurama actually seeing her as that. This was a play, a condition to change her mind off things to let her guard down. She refused to meet his eyes anymore, finding her whole body shaking whenever she tried. She turned her head on the side for her not see him smirk at her.   
  
He laughed again, a mirth that rang though the whole room like a never-ending echo of a mantra. It was too silent for her sanity.  
  
His hand let hers go once again as he moved it to her hair, sliding it down her cheeks and resting on the junction of her neck and shoulders. He kissed her closed eyes, tasting the single tear that found its way down her face. "I've decided that I want to make his life miserable," he said as he cupped her chin in his fingers, turning her head to look at him. "Now, the part that includes you doesn't seem so hard as I thought," one side of his lips moved up in a grin that made her want to get away. He leaned closer, placing a kiss on her forehead, moving down on her nose, then sliding down again to place a final kiss on where he had always intended to be.  
  
Through all the loathing of the feel of his seeking lips, the kiss ended, but she still felt the torment of disgust and frustration grating her every nerve. "If you don't believe me, fine. But then that would make the reason why I'm doing this is because I really do want you," a hoarse laugh emitted from him, the chill in his laughter making her feel more vulnerable and weak. This can never be Kurama.  
  
She shut her eyes. She couldn't take it anymore.   
  
She found the strength to push him. She meant to turn away from him but he had her wrist in a tight grasp before she could. He pulled her to face him, clutching her chin closer, forcing her to lock her lips with his again. But she tried to get away this time, but then he did all the right defenses to her hits, trapping her in his hold as he pushed her on a nearby wall.   
  
She winced, holding her shoulders as the pain surged through her whole body. She trembled in her place, sweat covering her face as he sat down the floor, her eyes in pain. She couldn't feel her body, and she felt exhausted and drained. Just as she thought she could take no more, a spasm of pain had set into her stomach, a sudden blow. She coughed out blood, wincing through the remaining mist of consciousness as she tried to stay awake. She only remembered tasting the saltiness of her internal wound, and his lips against hers again before she fell.   
  
He had won. She was weak and unguarded then, giving him all the access he could. But before he could even take another step, his head suddenly felt like it was hit. His world started to spin, making him grasp the bed beside him as he fell on his knees. He gritted his teeth as the pain increased, making him let out a muffled scream.   
  
Amidst all the weight that seems to sip through his head, he heard a moan. A -very- familiar moan. Different from all the screams he heard in his mind, a moan so loud it had to be real. In pain, but nonetheless, real.  
  
His eyes snapped open as another low moan emitted from the bed. He's waking up, he thought as he tried to stand up, stumbling before he could actually stand straight. His veins felt like they had burst as he tried to stand up, feeling his muscles stretched to their final limit. He found it difficult to even walk. By that time, Shuuichi was panting, slight chokes coming from his throat as he tried to catch his breath. "No!" he cried out as his hand flew to Shuuichi's mouth to cover it, his other one in his neck, holding it in a tight coil. "Never," he said, whimpering through the struggle through consciousness and numbness. "Not anymore, Shuuichi, no more…" with that said, he held Shuuichi's struggles down and claimed his lips in his own once again.   
  
It was not the kiss similar to what he had given the girl. This time, the kiss was filled with despair and anger that even he himself was getting hurt. All the hatred, all the anger, dueled in a kiss.   
  
"Get…Get away from me," Shuuichi's cries were low and almost inaudible as he tried to struggle away, finding a few chances to get away from the youkai's kisses. His face was covered in anxiety as he tried to shift from on side to the other, finding some sort of leverage from the youkai in an attempt to escape.  
  
"No, never. Never again will I allow you to own me," Youko Kurama said just as weakly, as if trying to fight sleep, fight Shuuichi, looking like he would fall down just seconds from then. He tried to cease his adversary's actions as he held his hands down, forcing another kiss into him from the one he had struggled away from a moment before.  
  
She felt weak as reality seemed to flood through her again. She slowly opened her eyes, only to see Youko Kurama holding a struggling Shuuichi down. She felt her heart skip a beat as she tried to take everything in. What was happening?  
  
He couldn't do this forever. He can't let him do this to him. He didn't want to be in the submissive, to be taken just as quickly as one could whenever he wakes up. He didn't feel right, and it was driving him insane. He felt weak. Numb. All the remaining energy he had with him slept away, leaving him weak and unmoving. His mind felt like it was getting electrocuted as the youkai tilted his head to deepen the kiss. Much as he felt it was just as difficult to him to tolerate kissing, he knew there was something into the kiss. Something that they have been playing tug-of-war from after all this time.   
  
But how could he win?   
  
Amidst the daze of weakness, Botan was able to stand up to run to them, trying to push the youkai away from Shuuichi as quickly as she could. She knew he had to be sent away.   
  
The kiss broke as Youko Kurama jumped off, forced by Botan's dominating strength due to his decreasing one, his breath caught in shallow gasps as he tried to fight off the faintness of his body. His eyes locked with Shuuichi's, each emitting a glare before he leapt through the window to escape.  
  
He watched him leave, his eyes drifting closer and closer to sleep as much as he tried opening them. He felt himself fall into yet another oblivion, with only the comfort of Botan's voice calling him left to hold him into the dark abyss.   
  
==  
  
"Almost got me, didn't you?" his voice was mocking. With each and every word he speaks, it always caused a hole in his heart, burning the sides with a hatred he never thought he could posses. Amidst the kindness and meekness of his eyes, the silence of his voice, he could never tolerate such indecency against him much less than he could resist the urge to kill his own body then and there.  
  
"Go away" through the blindness of darkness, he knew he was glaring. If only looks could kill, he knew both of them would be bleeding into fatality by then. Much as he still couldn't comprehend the situation, he knew he had reached the limit of his fury. He just couldn't think of anything worse than what he had to face.  
  
The youkai smirked. "I got the girl."  
  
His brows tightened, his jaws firming as he gritted his teeth. Surely, nothing else can worsen things more. "Shut up and leave her alone."  
  
"I know you saw what happened," he said, his voice full of spite and ridicule, much more than he could even take. "Don't fool me, little boy, you had my eyes. I could hear you screaming. I can hear your curses amidst everything that I have done. Whenever I touch her, whenever I kiss her, you're hating every ticking second of it while I enjoyed it."  
  
He was silent, but his fist coiled up into a tight ball, trembling through the rage of flames surging through his veins.  
  
"You couldn't take it."  
  
He wanted to get away. From all the things, not her. Not those he had grown close to. He could accept anything, all the torment his body could take, even those that are fatal. But not them. Of all things, not them.  
  
"You're too soft, Shuuichi. You are weak."  
  
"Go away."  
  
"I find that hard to do now that I'm about to be free from you," laughter rang through the whole surrounding. "Goodbye, Shuuichi."  
  
Freedom? Freedom from what? What did he mean?  
  
As he felt the presence depart from his thoughts, he felt the twinge of pain as he sensed blood pouring out of his skin again. Must've been the force he had exerted within him the whole while they had talked. He shut his eyes, leaving his mind to rest and sleep, with only the thought of having -her- hold his real body in her arms comforting him through all his delinquent burdens.   
  
End of chapter 5 


	6. Chap 6 : Angst

Reflection  
  
Koenma's explanations are out of mere hysterics of my subconscious insanity, they're not real. Much as I want to own Yu Yu Hakusho (as if ^_^), it's of strict ownership of Mr. Togashi and the "explanation" is just a little something to give this damned fanfic a plot ^_^; For crying out loud, I've rewritten this stupid chapter thrice! *Cherrie kicks her PC table*  
  
Chapter 6: Angst  
  
She was tired.   
  
Exhausted.   
  
She couldn't remember how long it had been since she had come back, how long it had been since she had lain in her bed. She couldn't remember how long she had stared at the very same pillow for the time she had been there. She couldn't remember anything. She couldn't think straight.   
  
Because of him.  
  
She came back to Reikai after losing to an argument with why she shouldn't leave Kurama alone, of course, losing to the ever-loving best friend that Keiko is. The brown-haired girl had been all too caring for her condition as much as she was worried about Kurama's. Sometimes, Botan wondered how it was that Keiko was the only one that could smack a punch on Yusuke and get away with it. But then again, Yusuke would be a fool if he'd hurt Keiko after all he'd gone through just to soften her to him (insert sweatdrop from author :: and this was supposed to be a serious chapter o_O).  
  
She sighed as she remembered the chill in her palms as she produced her oar to leave, unconsciously staring into him, her eyes glued to his features. It was only when Keiko snapped her out had she realized she had to leave.   
  
Ever since that night, that night that had engraved a fear inside her, she had never had a peaceful sleep. She always kept thinking about him, dreaming of him, dreams and nightmares that would always leave her gasping for air by the time she wakes up. She was pathetic, and Koenma had noticed it as she gave her the week off to let her rest. He must have known that something was bothering her.   
  
She didn't know what was wrong with her. Yusuke. Yusuke is with Kurama. Yusuke will protect him. No matter what Youko Kurama would do, he'll never go pass Yusuke. But she still felt afraid, afraid that something would happen again. She wanted to go back, to be with Kurama and be sure he's all right.   
  
But why?  
  
She was confused.   
  
Why does she care so much? Why was she so bothered? Was it because she had been there? Because she had seen the look on both of Kurama's eyes? Because she had sensed Shuuichi's fears, Youko Kurama's coldness and loss? She didn't know why, but she was drawn to him, the golden eyes that had spoke of malice through their sparkling gaze, the very eyes that narrowed and shown a tinge of fear as Shuuichi finally gasped for air.   
  
She didn't know why. She was drawn to him.   
  
There had been something in his eyes that had told her something. That behind the blank stares lies a fire that blazed with uncertainty and confusion, a million questions from a million fears.  
  
"Botan?"  
  
She sat up as she heard the heavy masculine voice of her master, about to stand up but was sat down by the man's hand willing her to stay where she was. A slight nod of thanks was given as she said, "Hai, Koenma-sama?"  
  
He eyed her uncertainly, his brows knotted above his eyes as he looked down at her. "Are you all right?" he asked as he pulled out a nearby chair, sitting down as he faced her.   
  
Botan sighed with a slight nod. She looked up at him and saw the skeptical look he gave her and sighed again in defeat. "My head hurts a bit," she admitted. A pause emerged after Koenma nodded his head, a look of calmness in his eyes. Botan had noticed that he was in his matured form, crossing the thought that Koenma must've gone in Ningenkai, must've talked to Yusuke. And thought of Kurama was brought back to her, stinging her eyes with the slightest signs of tears as she felt her confusion start up all over again. "What's happening to Kurama?" she asked, her voice a mere croak as it choked in her throat. Her hands trembled on her lap, clutching the material of her kimono as she resisted the urge to shake Koenma and beg her to see for herself that Kurama would be all right.   
  
"I'm not sure," Koenma replied. He leaned forward, resting his forehead on his hands that rested on his knees, a look of exhaustion spreading in his youthful face. "I'm not really sure."  
  
Botan stared at him, an utter look of worry and sympathy on her face, with confusion and fear all mixed up in her chest. "Will he be okay? What have you gotten about his condition?" She was unused to talking to Koenma seriously, emotionally and uncertainly. Usually, their conversations would be light, full of laughter despite their situation. But she was too weary and too afraid for jokes. Koenma was as well.   
  
"Something that has something to do with his two identities," he began as he sat straight in his seat, a look of sincere control in his face and voice. "Youko Kurama and Shuuichi Minamino."   
  
"But…I don't understand."  
  
"Somehow, Youko Kurama found a way to get out."  
  
"But--" she paused, stilling her hands in her lap as she looked intently at the young man. "I thought it was Kurama who's been living in Shuuichi's body."  
  
"Or so we thought," Koenma said, earning another look of confusion on one of his ferry girls' face. "All this time, we thought that Shuuichi had been long dead, possessed by Kurama's spirit. But it seems as though the two spirits had lived in the same body all this time."  
  
Botan's brows knotted. "Shuuichi's and Kurama's?"  
  
Koenma nodded. "Neither one of them was able to get rid of the other. Kurama and Shuuichi, they have been shifting consciousness and will all these times, fighting over the other for control."  
  
"But…they seem so alike, Kurama has never changed his attitude--"  
  
Koenma shook his head, cutting any other of Botan's speech. "True, but it was all done because of Kurama's worry that he'd be found out. It was the youko part who's acting, copying Shuuichi's attitude towards others. Somehow, he had learned to soften up due to Shiori's actions towards him and Shuuichi, but he still possessed the heart that he once had. He was unable to regain back his dead body back in Makai, for the body had been long gone and buried in the realm's grounds. He was only able to use his powers over Shuuichi's body to somehow change into his real form, but he couldn't get a body of his own."   
  
"But, that night…he and Shuuichi had different bodies."  
  
Koenma sighed, his hand coming up to his temples as stress took over him. "That's--what I'm trying to figure out."  
  
"Do you think something happened?"  
  
"I don't know. I'm not sure. But there must've been something that triggered Kurama to get out, I'm not sure what it is right now, but if my guess is correct, it is a matter between Shuuichi and Kurama themselves, and no one can interfere. An interference might just trigger another issue, and we can't tolerate that."  
  
Botan was at loss, her mind filling with dread as fiddled with her fingers with the hem of her sleeve. "Youko Kurama…"  
  
"I've sent Yusuke for that," Koenma assured, standing up to leave. As he returned the chair, he glanced at the deity from the corner of his eyes, a look of ambiguity in his brown eyes. He had never seen Botan so tense. He wasn't used to her anymore, and all he wanted to do was to bring her back.  
  
  
A thought crossed his mind. "Ne, Botan," he called, making the girl in front of him look up at him. In an attempt to bring back her old self, he grinned at her, his eyes burrowing through hers mockingly. He recognized himself by that moment, and he was glad he did. "I was just wondering, how come you're all too giddy about this?"  
  
Botan frowned. "Nani?"  
  
Koenma shrugged, patting Botan's shoulder in a mocked sense of sympathy. "I'm sure your little sweetheart will be just fine, so don't worry much about it."  
  
Botan's eyes widened, stammering at his statement. "What are you talking about?!"  
  
Koenma laughed. "You two had spent a lot of times together lately, the hospital and Kurama's condition a sort of 'excuse'," he teased with a higher exaggeration on the word, 'excuse'. "You know, it's pretty much normal for a little girl like you to feel these things. Come to think of it, wow, you're maturing, isn't it great?" he looked at her. "Would you believe that most of the ferry girls here in Reikai likes him too? They he's cute and all, and wished they were on your position. Awful they'll be rivals, some can be potentially challenging."  
  
Botan stood up, a serious tone of crimson starting to spread on her pale face. "What?! Go to hell, Koenma-sama!" she exclaimed, suddenly feeling sort of ridiculous as Koenma raised his brows with a mockingly confused look of a teaser, him being the judge who would go to hell and all. She nearly knocked herself at what she said, but realized she'd better not. She eyed him. "Koenma-sama…"  
  
Koenma laughed again. "I think you should go back to Ningenkai, you look like you'd die if I don't let you, I'll go back to the library to look up what's happening," he said as he ruffled Botan's sky-blue hair, earning a playful slap on the hands on the ferry girl's part. "And I was kidding, just to lighten up a bit," he said, turning around to leave.   
  
Botan heard him mutter something about a "fucking library", earning an exhausted smile from her. She has turned around to calm herself down, keeping herself to stay calm rather than ride in with Koenma's jokes. And it was HER part to give the jokes and teases and it was supposed to be HIS part to take them and feel ridiculous. She counted one to ten, her senses calming.   
  
As soon as she sensed him leave, Koenma poked his head, another grin on his face. "On most parts, I was serious with the thing with Kurama."  
  
His face instantly met with a sharply thrown pillow.  
  
End of chapter 6  
  
Notes: *sweatdrops* This has got to be the most poorly written chapter this pathetic fic has. I want to skip this! I was forced to writing it!!! *breaks down crying* I'm so sorry if it's not that well written, I'm confused with my own plot that I just want it to be done once and for all @_@ 


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